I'm sick of a lot of things. Comfort. Living in unnecessary comfort. I hate it. And then I find myself going back on my words and being a hypocrite. I just have to grow the guts to rid my life of selfish habits. Throw it all away. I'm ready to do things. Good, selfless things. It's what I need right now. I just have to stick to my word.

I'm really frustrated. Maybe that's all I want to say. I get so tempted to do something insane, like run away for a week. But that would never work. I have obligations. And restrictions. Which suck.
I think maybe my frustration stems from being stuck on what could have been. I hate it. It hurts. It keeps gnawing at my brain. I need to calm down.

Sitting here, listening to Brian Eno's Music For Airports, I'm thinking about what's important to me; what I want in my life and what I want to discard. I'm aware that this could easily come off as just another teenage girl whingeing about life and emotional farce, but I don't care. That's not my intention, and what I write is honest, so that's why I do it; and if people wish to cast me off as a typical whiney teenager, that's their decision. All I have to offer is integrity, and whether others can relate to what I'm writing is irrelevant. This is for me.

I've had the greatest urge for truth lately. For things to be as they really are; for people to be who they really are instead of who they think they have to be; and for bareness. It would be so satisfying to just strip everything back to the base of meaning, and to rid ourselves of the synthetic pretentiousness we are so often unconsciously compelled to adopt.
I know that I am so close to being where I want to be within myself, and the only things pinning me back are environmental factors. I've been in the sort of frame of mind where other people, knowingly or unknowingly, detract from my state of mind, and the only thing I can do is distance myself from those people. I've reached a certain level of disgust in people surrounding me, with the exception of a small handful, and it has helped me realise who I want in my life and who I know is bad company. Cynicism, narcissicm, and blatant disregard for the wellbeing of others have all angered me so much in the last few weeks; and what's even more angering is when these qualities come from those you least expect.

I miss innocence and modesty. I don't understand why people feel ashamed to be true to themselves. It's interesting that some people don't realise you are aware when they put on an act. What's even more interesting is that they think you would prefer them the way they are when they're acting. Which could not be further from the truth.

I crave simplicity and honesty. Trying to tolerate other people's arrogance is beginning to wear me out, and I look forward to being able to discard as much negative energy as possible. More than anything, I look forward to going home.

I don't think this post has any particular message or point, I'm just gonna keep pressing keys and see where this ends up. So I'm listening to Colin Hay, and I have this really amazing tingly feeling; like electricity is coursing through my veins. Wow, that sounded cheesy. But it isn't. It's really just indescribable. A culmination of excitement and satisfaction and peace. Placidity. And hopefulness for the future. And knowing that there is so much to be done, and so much to give and receive.
It feels as if I'm on the verge of something amazing. I've had this feeling for a few weeks now, like something breathtaking is about to happen. I don't know if it's just excitement to finish school and start living, or if there is actually something unseen that I am about to be dealt.
I think that there's also a realisation that I have so much inside me, so much to contribute... to anything, anyone I put my mind to. I wish that there was a way better than this that I could tell you what I mean, but these euphemisms will have to do.
I'm so fascinated and excited and blown away by all the possibilities for the future, for learning, for experiencing and feeling new things. And I'm at the point where I am content with my friendships and am so grateful for them. I'm constantly surprised at how easy it is to forget be kind, and whenever I find myself lacking positivity it's so easy to turn it around by simply being kind.

When it all comes down to it, I know who I am and I am happy with the person I am becoming. Having said that, I know how easy it is to get caught up in what other people are doing and becoming, and that you can temporarily lose yourself in other people's lives. So before I forget, I will remember what I believe in, and when I do forget, I hope I remember to remember.

I'm listening to the best playlist right now, it perfectly captures my mood, in that weird way music does...

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin by Colin Hay
A Case Of You by Joni Mitchell
Our Love Is Beautiful by Ethan Gold
Free You by Art Of Fighting
Same Suburb, Different Park by Firekites
Never Think by Robert Pattinson
Nightswimming by R.E.M.
Lozenge of Love by Radiohead

family

As much as I am enjoying living in my friend Alex's house, lately I've just felt a little empty; like there's something missing. I know it's really not that long until I see my family again, and that I can still see my beautiful sister, but I would give anything to be able to hug my mum.

Next week it will have been 3months since I saw my parents, brother and nephew, and although I know it's for the best, I wish they would come back. I keep having dreams that they do, and that Connor (my nephew) is a lot older than I remember. Which he probably is.

I think the hardest thing for me will be knowing that my parents won't be there to see me graduate, and my mum won't be there to help me get ready for my formal. I know there a lot of people around me who are there to support me, for which I am unbelievably grateful, but nothing would make me happier than for my mum and dad to see me finish school.

We've always been crazed and dysfunctional, and I've experienced some pretty intense stuff, so moving into a household where everything seems to run perfectly and everyone gets along was a little overwhelming for me. I know that there have been a lot of positive changes in myself since I've moved in with Alex's family e.g. I eat well now, I get enough sleep, I actually exercise, my energy levels have increased, and I've been able to do a lot of things I've always wanted to but never had the time for. I am so grateful for all of these changes, and I know I've needed them, but they are all things I would easily sacrifice if it meant I could have my family back.

It's weird to think that I'm never going to live with my family as a whole family again. I know it would have happened sooner or later, as I became older and more independent, but to have it happen now is just a lot harder. I still want to be able to come home and cuddle my mum all afternoon, and joke with my brother, and play with my nephew. I even miss the mundane things, like cleaning and doing washing, and cooking. I barely do any of that where I live now, and it feels so alien to me.

I guess, summed up, I just really miss my family.

I'm really glad I've started reading again. It probably isn't the best timing, what with the HSC just around the corner, but I really enjoy it and I think it's something people forget they can do.
There are so many books I want to read, and have been meaning to but just never got around to... which prompts me to create a "to read" list.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy(I know, I know, I haven't read it!)
Catch 22 (same goes)
1984 (ditto)
Brideshead Revisited
And The Ass Saw The Angel by Nick Cave
Lady Chatterley's Lover
Valley Of The Dolls
On The Road by Kerouac
Bonjour Tristesse
First Love by Turgenev
Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis

and that's all I want to write in this post write now, because I want to write another one.