Sitting here, listening to Brian Eno's Music For Airports, I'm thinking about what's important to me; what I want in my life and what I want to discard. I'm aware that this could easily come off as just another teenage girl whingeing about life and emotional farce, but I don't care. That's not my intention, and what I write is honest, so that's why I do it; and if people wish to cast me off as a typical whiney teenager, that's their decision. All I have to offer is integrity, and whether others can relate to what I'm writing is irrelevant. This is for me.

I've had the greatest urge for truth lately. For things to be as they really are; for people to be who they really are instead of who they think they have to be; and for bareness. It would be so satisfying to just strip everything back to the base of meaning, and to rid ourselves of the synthetic pretentiousness we are so often unconsciously compelled to adopt.
I know that I am so close to being where I want to be within myself, and the only things pinning me back are environmental factors. I've been in the sort of frame of mind where other people, knowingly or unknowingly, detract from my state of mind, and the only thing I can do is distance myself from those people. I've reached a certain level of disgust in people surrounding me, with the exception of a small handful, and it has helped me realise who I want in my life and who I know is bad company. Cynicism, narcissicm, and blatant disregard for the wellbeing of others have all angered me so much in the last few weeks; and what's even more angering is when these qualities come from those you least expect.

I miss innocence and modesty. I don't understand why people feel ashamed to be true to themselves. It's interesting that some people don't realise you are aware when they put on an act. What's even more interesting is that they think you would prefer them the way they are when they're acting. Which could not be further from the truth.

I crave simplicity and honesty. Trying to tolerate other people's arrogance is beginning to wear me out, and I look forward to being able to discard as much negative energy as possible. More than anything, I look forward to going home.

I don't think this post has any particular message or point, I'm just gonna keep pressing keys and see where this ends up. So I'm listening to Colin Hay, and I have this really amazing tingly feeling; like electricity is coursing through my veins. Wow, that sounded cheesy. But it isn't. It's really just indescribable. A culmination of excitement and satisfaction and peace. Placidity. And hopefulness for the future. And knowing that there is so much to be done, and so much to give and receive.
It feels as if I'm on the verge of something amazing. I've had this feeling for a few weeks now, like something breathtaking is about to happen. I don't know if it's just excitement to finish school and start living, or if there is actually something unseen that I am about to be dealt.
I think that there's also a realisation that I have so much inside me, so much to contribute... to anything, anyone I put my mind to. I wish that there was a way better than this that I could tell you what I mean, but these euphemisms will have to do.
I'm so fascinated and excited and blown away by all the possibilities for the future, for learning, for experiencing and feeling new things. And I'm at the point where I am content with my friendships and am so grateful for them. I'm constantly surprised at how easy it is to forget be kind, and whenever I find myself lacking positivity it's so easy to turn it around by simply being kind.

When it all comes down to it, I know who I am and I am happy with the person I am becoming. Having said that, I know how easy it is to get caught up in what other people are doing and becoming, and that you can temporarily lose yourself in other people's lives. So before I forget, I will remember what I believe in, and when I do forget, I hope I remember to remember.

I'm listening to the best playlist right now, it perfectly captures my mood, in that weird way music does...

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin by Colin Hay
A Case Of You by Joni Mitchell
Our Love Is Beautiful by Ethan Gold
Free You by Art Of Fighting
Same Suburb, Different Park by Firekites
Never Think by Robert Pattinson
Nightswimming by R.E.M.
Lozenge of Love by Radiohead

family

As much as I am enjoying living in my friend Alex's house, lately I've just felt a little empty; like there's something missing. I know it's really not that long until I see my family again, and that I can still see my beautiful sister, but I would give anything to be able to hug my mum.

Next week it will have been 3months since I saw my parents, brother and nephew, and although I know it's for the best, I wish they would come back. I keep having dreams that they do, and that Connor (my nephew) is a lot older than I remember. Which he probably is.

I think the hardest thing for me will be knowing that my parents won't be there to see me graduate, and my mum won't be there to help me get ready for my formal. I know there a lot of people around me who are there to support me, for which I am unbelievably grateful, but nothing would make me happier than for my mum and dad to see me finish school.

We've always been crazed and dysfunctional, and I've experienced some pretty intense stuff, so moving into a household where everything seems to run perfectly and everyone gets along was a little overwhelming for me. I know that there have been a lot of positive changes in myself since I've moved in with Alex's family e.g. I eat well now, I get enough sleep, I actually exercise, my energy levels have increased, and I've been able to do a lot of things I've always wanted to but never had the time for. I am so grateful for all of these changes, and I know I've needed them, but they are all things I would easily sacrifice if it meant I could have my family back.

It's weird to think that I'm never going to live with my family as a whole family again. I know it would have happened sooner or later, as I became older and more independent, but to have it happen now is just a lot harder. I still want to be able to come home and cuddle my mum all afternoon, and joke with my brother, and play with my nephew. I even miss the mundane things, like cleaning and doing washing, and cooking. I barely do any of that where I live now, and it feels so alien to me.

I guess, summed up, I just really miss my family.

I'm really glad I've started reading again. It probably isn't the best timing, what with the HSC just around the corner, but I really enjoy it and I think it's something people forget they can do.
There are so many books I want to read, and have been meaning to but just never got around to... which prompts me to create a "to read" list.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy(I know, I know, I haven't read it!)
Catch 22 (same goes)
1984 (ditto)
Brideshead Revisited
And The Ass Saw The Angel by Nick Cave
Lady Chatterley's Lover
Valley Of The Dolls
On The Road by Kerouac
Bonjour Tristesse
First Love by Turgenev
Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis

and that's all I want to write in this post write now, because I want to write another one.

I'm desperately hungry for new music, and have been for a while now.

Thought I'd share some of my new finds:

Lose You by Pete Yorn

anything from Lady Of The Sunshine (Angus from Angus and Julia Stone)




Also, the music that best describes my current vibe (or what I've been craving the most):


Plainsong by The Cure

Hendrix

A Case Of You by Joni Mitchell

Felt Mountain (the album) by Goldfrapp

Black Cherry by Goldfrapp

Cat Power

Yeha Noha by Sacred Spirit

The Wolves (Act I and II) by Bon Iver

How Low by Jose Gonzalez

Healing Room by Sinead O'Connor

All I Need by Air

Bat For Lashes

Same Suburb, Different Park by Firekites

Cocorosie

It Could Be Sweet by Portishead

School Of Seven Bells

Everybody Here Wants You by Jeff Buckley

White Room by Cream

Newborn by Elbow

Little Waltz by Basia Bulat

My Number and Nineteen by Tegan and Sara



...ah, I could go on forever. I should really save up for a new iPod. I don't know how I've survived since my last one died.

Interior Inspiration:

Today was eventful. I finished my Ext 2 English Major Work at 2:30 this morning, handed it in at 9:00am, then headed to the city for lunch. It was the BEST feeling, finishing my story. It's such a weight off my shoulders, and just knowing that I've written something meaningful and significant was so satisfying. My story is about a little boy named Benny. He lives with his mum, and one day meets an imaginary friend of sorts, named Peg. Peg is a nasty piece of work. He's always moody and cries all the time, and isn't very nice to Benny at all. Throughout the course of the story, it becomes evident (I hope) to the reader that Benny's mum is suffering from some form of depression. While Benny doesn't necessarily realise this, he has an acute awareness of all the negative energy that exists because of his mum's state of mind. Essentially, Peg exists as a manifestation of all this negativity, and is the means by which Benny is able to comprehend his mum's depression.
Triggered by a breakdown, Benny's mum goes to stay by the sea during the summer holidays, while Benny stays at a neighbour's. She gradually recovers, and as she does, visits from Peg become less frequent, until eventually he fades away completely. Mother and son re-unite. THE END.

After that, I went to the city for lunch with some friends. We went to Mad Mex on Crown St, and it was delicious. I'm glad I wore a baggy top, because I left the restaurant feeling about 8 months pregnant. I had a yummy quesadilla. It was yummy. Then, half of us went Paddington-bound down Oxford St, the others went the other direction and went to a tattoo parlour and, I'm assuming, lazed around in Hyde Park.

The most notable shops we went into today would have to include:
-Ariel Books, where I bought two more orange Penguin Classics; The Fabric of The Cosmos, and Love In The Time Of Cholera
-Shag, which has the most outrageous old clothes I wish I was brave enough to wear
-Cream on Crown, where I bought a nice skirt, and
-The Puf'nStuf Clearance Store, where I bought a pretty pastel top and a floaty summer dress.

The clothes I bought today were made from second-hand 80s and 90s reject clothing, I'm pretty sure, and it made me want to buy some simple patterns from Spotlight and make clothes myself. It's so simple, you just need a few staple patterns and some cool fabrics. I think, when Alex, Ange and I eventually have our market stall, we'll make clothes like that. As well as print our own t-shirts and stuff..

I know that I won't be able to even come close to fully describing how excited I am for the future, but here is the verbal version:
I'M SO EXCITED! For finishing school, for seeing my family (especially Connor, who I miss outrageously), for summer, for Woodford, for finally being able to relax and do things I've always wanted to. Like make lots of art, and clothes, and jewellery, and crafty things. I'm just so excited to make things, you know? And to read things I've always wanted to, and to build up my music collection, and to start working, and to go to Europe next year (that deserves its own post), and to come back and do a Fine Arts degree...

It's just so... exhilarating; knowing that you don't have to be confined anymore. The last few years of high school have felt like I was putting myself on hold, and I'm so excited for not having to do that anymore. I could rant about this for hours, but I won't, because there are other things I want to talk about too.

...Like my latest concoction: Sofiyah's Hokey Pokey Ice Cream.
To create this genius flavour, I combined vanilla ice cream, cinnamon, ground nutmeg, honey and broken pieces of apricot bites. I highly recommend you try this, because it is goddamn delicious.
Today I'm going to make a lemon meringue pie, and maybe tomorrow I'll try making Kara's Melting Moments. They were soooooo good.

I was just on one of my favourite websites, weheartit.com, and i found this photo, which I really love:




I've been so obsessed lately with interiors. I can't wait to have my own place, and for things to look just the way I want them. I think I'm going to start a new post now, devoted to this obsession.

This is a design Alex and I made on Photoshop for a T-shirt for Harry. I've never really thought of myself as a pro Photoshop user, so I was quite proud of myself. The design is actually a photo of an origami artwork, which we manipulated with lots of layers and colour and saturation. I like it.
In the next year or so, I'm really hoping to run a market stall with Alex, in which we will sell all sorts of things we've made; such as t-shirts & bags similar to this, and hopefully jewellery I've made. I want to do a jewellery design course first though. And I'll make cards and paintings and all sorts of crafty things.
Hopefully my mum will send me pretty Indonesian things to sell too. I'm really excited.
I may also use this artwork in a portfolio of sorts, to help me get into either COFA or SCA. But that story will have to wait until my Ext 2 major work isn't due in a few days. That too is another story...

The time has come...

...to start spelling my name legally. Ever since I was little I denied that my name had a 'h' on the end of it. I even managed to convince my parents that it was a simple s-o-f-i-y-a, and that of course there was no 'h' on the end. However, in recent years, this has become a slight issue when trying to prove my identity. Not even the school has ever had the correct spelling of my name, until a few weeks ago. So, for those who know me, excuse the extra letter which, even for me, is alien and unfamiliar.

Brave New World

First blog ever. It will take me some time to get this going the way I want it, because this is all new to me.
...Not that you care, because you are probably me, reading this. Don't really expect anyone else to. Have a nice day.